I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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