What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
