smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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