you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
