That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
