I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
