I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
