He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
