WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
