oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
