I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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