The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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