just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
third nipple confirmed
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.