i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.