If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.