Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
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We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag