I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.