Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
