if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
