I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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