I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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