If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
