well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
