I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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