How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
