I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
