mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
