I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
