My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
