I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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