I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
