So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
