Where are you?
In a non slutty way
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
