I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
