Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't deserve a penis
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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