I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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