You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
