EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
