Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
