Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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