"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
