She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
