Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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