TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
