i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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