bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
