It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Pants are for mortals
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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