we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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