mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
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what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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