Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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