I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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