I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
