well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
