So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
