I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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