I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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