We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
