You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
