Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He did a backflip because drugs
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