The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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