The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
They have beer where we have blood.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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