i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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