After last night, I could never be a politician.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
