I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
