White coat. Heels.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
