I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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